My prayer life has been very to the point lately. I have a problem and Jesus immediately answers that problem. I was really feeling like I lost the "romance" with Jesus. I recognized that I was just going through the motions, but where was the passion and the zeal that I had before? So I told Jesus that He has to romance me. I prayed that He would please love on me through nature, through people, through my team, and through the Philippines. I prayed that I would truly recognize Jesus loving on me. Well, when I had my prayer time that evening I read from Revelations 2:1-7 which said, “…you have lost the love you had at first.” Well, thank you Jesus, I’m glad we are on the same page. So now I know that it wasn’t just me who thought I had “fallen out of love” – Jesus obviously recognized it too and He wants to fix it.
On March 26th we had a birthday party at our house for one of our good friends Revise (Vise for short). Vise turned 25 and this was his first real birthday party…ever. He has such a giving heart and is a beautiful servant and he loves to make cheesy jokes, laugh, and dance.
|Vise blowing out his birthday candles!!|
I love love love having people over and washing dishes and serving our friends from the Convento, it is so much fun. They take such good care of us, and are very patient in teaching us Visayan and teaching us how to properly wash clothes and cook Filipino foods.
At the birthday party I was running around cleaning and talking and serving and what not and Gogoy (Gogoy is our “Kuya” meaning “big brother”) stopped me and grabbed the plates out of my hands and said, “let me serve you.” I was a little hesitant because they are our guests and I just want them to relax and they are always serving us… but I know I have to let a man be a man. But I am stubborn, so I tried to take it back and he said again, “no, let me serve you.” In the back of my mind I was thinking about how kind this was and how it was totally a Jesus moment and Jesus was trying to love on me, but I didn’t accept the gift well and I went to the kitchen to find something else to do. And again, Gogoy took me out of the kitchen, gave me a plate and served my food. I only had a little bit of food so I finished quickly, then Vise took my plate and said, “let me serve you.”
Why do I have this willingness to serve, but an unwillingness to be served? I begged the Lord to romance me and when He tries to, I don’t accept it and I try to take control. I guess I feel like I have to prove something or I have to earn the love of the Lord. Just from past wounded-ness I don’t feel worthy to be served, but Jesus is trying to show me my worth through these gentlemen and I almost shut them down! (Please have mercy on me Jesus and help me honor these holy men by allowing them to be men!)
They don’t think I’m incapable of serving, but they want to bless me because they love me. They don’t know my struggles or my day-to-day trials or the wounds I have in my heart, but they just love me for me.
I really feel the Lord romancing me through the incredible friends we have made here, through the precious broken English, through the inspirational texts my team receives in the mornings, through the convento loving on us without conditions and without having to prove anything, through the children who play outside of our house all day every day, through GiGi holding my hand and asking for rice every single day, through the Filipinos calling me beautiful…and white…and chubby…and cute, through Father Joe thanking us at every single mass and event, and through our students hugging us and thanking us for just being here for them.
One last way I want to share that I know the Lord is romancing me...(this was totally a Holy Spirit inspired moment)
Our team plays a lot of cards (a lot of cards) and we sometimes have friends over to play too. We were taking a lot of pictures and our friends would say “wowwww, so beautiful ma'am Alex” or “wowww, so beautiful Rebecca” and so on. Then me (being a debbie downer) said noooo when they told me that I am beautiful. Then out of nowhere, Vise says,
“Of course you are beautiful…all women are beautiful because they are made in the image and likeness of Mama Mary.
…So now do you believe that you are beautiful?”
Woah, so that happened.
|Vise and Reymond - our big brothers, well, my big brothers!!!|
The Lord is really clear when you ask Him serious questions. He will literally give you all of our hearts desires if they are holy and good and pleasing to Him. I feel so silly for not being open to let the Lord love on me… directly after asking Him to, but I am so thankful that He never gives up on my stubborn heart.
“What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will effect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”